My computer & Me… August 18, 2008

take 2 .. a  Facebook Application ate my blog…

My computer & me…

American …

Overheats easily….

The lightest “complexion” of the girls…

Can’t multitask without shutting down…

Always thinks it has a virus… and doesn’t…

Is bottom heavy…

disclaimer: silly blog post written to distract me from writing the more emotionally charged blog about how I resigned from my job because I was using it as an crutch and excuse to not follow my dreams, even though I love my job.. and how God is uprooting all the lies that I have believed, and have steered me since forever… and how….. silly blog post… distraction…

Will you marry me? July 13, 2008

So girls will be girls…

and last night, we were girls…

A few of us were talking about me, and this one guy…. as an “us”….

 

Now, I have never even really entertained the possibility of me marrying that guy, I am convinced of all of the reasons why it would never work plus I have already planned his future with another woman in my mind, … nice of me, huh?

 

So last night I was up thinking about why not me and him… as an “us”?

 

And here is the spiritual dilemma that came from my noodle twirling last night…

 

Last night Danne and I watched Semi-Pro with Will Ferrell, and although it was raunchy in some most parts, and we actually skipped a section of the movie because of that raunch…  I thought it was a pretty funny movie….

 

To be honest I really laugh at and enjoy some movies that I know I shouldn’t…

 

I could never see myself, laying on the couch with that guy, watching those movies… I feel like I would be defiling him, and I would feel shame and embarrassment….

 

And here goes the noodle…  I was thinking Julie, Do you really believe God’s word?

Ok - stay with me here….

 

If I really believe not only that God is always with me, ever-present, but that Christ does dwell in me… would I watch those movies?

 

The answer, of course, is definitely not….

Letting myself be entertained by what God is not honored in… and disgusted by??

 

And am I not already called a part of the Bride of Christ ?

 

I am already an “us” with Him!

 

Reconsidering her “entertainment”,

Julie

well, hello… July 7, 2008

well, hello there,

 

I talked to my dad about you yesterday.. how I go to the little blog stats and see how you found me.. He was amused, you’ll hear more from him later……  it’s pretty interesting how you found me… kind of odd…

 

there is no rhyme or reason, and how you found me is about as random as what I write… sometimes serious, sometimes silly….

 

Look up, and to the right…  the tabs “how my noodle twirls” is just an “about me”, and “old writings” are well old writings quasi imported from MySpace…. if you are wandering around and get lost, just click on julieUNSCRIPTED and it will bring you back here safe..

 

Look to the right… those are some of my friends, and a few people I don’t even know and are either friends of friends, or random people…. if you scroll over them, there is an identifier as to how I know them, or don’t know them…

 

so welcome to my little home here on the web… make your self cozy…

 

ohhh and  if you have something to say, just leave a comment, or you can email me at julieunscripted@gmail.com

Flowers, just because… July 4, 2008

There are alot of flowers in our house these days…. My roommate Danne just had some pretty major surgery last week…  a good reason for all of the “flowers”…

 

I love flowers but to be honest, I am not usually a fan of “flowers”… Especially on specific days… Birthdays, Valentine’s Day… I think it’s too easy and not very thoughtful….

 

In the winter I was going through a funk, I had just returned from Denver where my friend Marty was having a baby shower in celebration of her first child, my dad was in Ohio in and out and back into the hospital with some serious thing that no one could figure out what it was then pneumonia from being in the hospital, I was spending weeks at a time nannying for a large family that was grieving the loss of a child, I was praying though following my dreams vs. entering into full-time ministry and the frosting on the cake was that I had no matches on EHarmony….

 

There were days that I didn’t even want to get out of bed, and didn’t… I was going into work late, leaving work early, not eating, not working out, not going out.. I didn’t tell many people everything that was going on.. I shut off… I have friends telling me to go to counseling, that I was too busy, that I was doing to much, that I wasn’t doing enough… I even had one friend say “It’s been long enough - snap out of it”

 

Things started turning back to “normal”, some time had passed, then the flowers came, on some random day, and they were just perfect…  They were little yellow roses that match my room and my bedroom set….

 

All the card said was:

“Thinking of you Psalm 139:17-18    Love, Jesus“

 

I dried the flowers, and they sit on my bedside table.

 

They are a reminder that I am loved by others (even if I will thankfully never know who they are from) and that I am loved by God…

 

Just because….

The BIG Dream…. June 26, 2008

Thanks to a Bible Study last night where we talked about how God’s creation praises Him by simply doing what it was created to do paired with some extra motivation, and just the fact that if I don’t, I never will …. I am letting the cat completely out of the bag..

I haven’t answered the questions when asked what it is….

I have avoided talking about it, even though when I am excited about it I have a fire in my bones…

I have eluded to this, and if you have read all of my “old writings” you know what this dream is….

I have been thinking about this since April of 07, and writing about it in a separate blog since last June…

 

Ohh how my noodle twirls ..
I am going to market myself to Nike .. I want to be a spokesperson for them, and be a public speaker…

I want it to be my platform to let people know that they were created to live a full life … not to be stuck in fat and being unhealthy… I can see it - and I can visualize it -

Here’s the thoughts behind it…
Ok - so Dove has been doing the real women campaign.. they are getting major PR points from it - and it’s been amazing for them - and then there is the subway Jarrod guy - again just a regular person who has redeveloped a brand — not to even touch the obesity statistics in our country… we are being robbed of our lives..

So my thought is that if Nike’s slogan is “Just do it” - What is the thing that keeps women (and men, and children) in this country unhealthy ?

NOT DOING IT…
We don’t need fad diets and we don’t need a magic pill, and we sure as heck don’t need studies telling us that weight gain is all genetic -This all came about Kristen and I were walking on the beach…. we were making all of these plans to bike this many miles a day to the beach, and then walk for x amount of miles, then bike….. and classic Kristen… she says “Dude, you need to just do it”..

We need to JUST DO IT - we know that broccoli is more healthy than chocolate and that salad is better than pizza and that even just walking for an hour is better than sitting and watching TV ..
It would be pictures of me, and journals, videos as I am losing weight ….. something like below…
No excuses - Just do it
No fad diets - Just do it
Nothing Holding you back - just do it  and so on and so on and so on

I tried contacting Nike and they deferred me to their ad agency - and their ad agency dumped me in some fake voice mail that they won’t take any outside ideas .. I have some ideas on how to get it out there… but again I need to stop talking about it and Just Do It!!

With or without Nike involvement - I have still been inspired and called to action…
I am going to continue lose all of my extra weight anyways so why not communicate to and encourage others to do the same??

 

WHY??

“I believe that if Jesus can save the world from sin, he could surely help me lose my rear end.” - Dana Littleton 

Let’s try some honesty shall we?

This isn’t just about fat vs. skinny… this is about life.. and living..

I want to live the life that I know that I was created not born, not raised, not wanted to, CREATED to live… and I want you to live that life too… I want to encourage and inspire and communicate…

I want to be able to play the sports I love to play, but I don’t because I can’t keep up, or am out of breath way before other people are even warmed up…

I want to not have to pretend to that I don’t like roller coasters because I am afraid of whether or not the seat belt will shut right…

I want to go into a store and buy an outfit because it’s cute and looks good on me - not just because it’s the only thing that fits..

I want to be able to walk into a restaurant and not analyze the seating arrangement, not nudge the table away from me and not hide inside my thoughts thinking that everyone is judging me on what I decide to eat or drink…

I want to… do a cartwheel… go kayaking… climb a mountain, or at least a really big rock… run on the beach… get a piggy back ride…

I want to see the captives set free… and I want to sing songs of joy and songs of victory with them…

Please continue to pray for me… I know that this idea is from God, and I have not been faithful, actually I have been quite lazy about it… 

Whew….. Let’s see what happens shall we?

Julie

Found…. June 17, 2008

You found my safe little place on here by searching for my name and details about me …

I don’t wonder about you as often as I used to…

When there is a number I don’t know on my caller I.D. … I wonder if it’s you … I get excited… though I know even before picking up it isn’t you, why isn’t it you?

But I know, I know that we have nothing to talk about… other than that I loved you, and you decided it was over, we never talked about it or even talked again and I was left to process it all alone … and you are gone..

Why haven’t you called?

I didn’t understand it then, and I still don’t… How could I? Not giving me the reason has caused more pain then you just saying it…

Do I need you to tell me you made a mistake? Do I need to tell you about the nights I cried myself to sleep? Or how I keep every man at arms length and treat him as though he was responsible for the pain that I went through? Or how I don’t have guy friends because that’s how we started, and my heart wasn’t guarded then, and I am still afraid now? Do I need to hear you tell me you are sorry?

No - I need you to stop haunting me… don’t look for me.. by you I don’t want to be found…

seriously? June 10, 2008

I was almost, and should be sleeping and was on Cathi’s blog.. then on Mark’s blog

where I saw this:: we all can do our part & look stylish while doing good …

What is that you ask? A bracelet? A napkin ring? A something or other?

NO! It’s a coffee cup don’t burn your hand-er….and a bracelet..

excerpt from veer.com (merch) where you can buy it for only $65 ….

“Answer the siren call of the coffee shop in style. When your drink is called, the Coffee Cuff slips off your wrist and onto your cup, taking the place of a cardboard sleeve. Your hand stays cool and so does your environmental footprint – Coffee Cuffs are shaped by hand from reclaimed black walnut veneer. Designed by Contexture”

Is this for real?

Like seriously?

I should be sleeping….

Divine Intervention…. June 9, 2008

5pm… I already dropped off the girls who were helping me today - I had been at work for quite a bit today(understatement).. cleaning and getting ready for a busy summer..

I was thinking about how I really needed to get home and work on my “me” stuff- that was at 6pm..

6:15… I eat dinner at my desk - fat free ham and cheddar cheese, heated in the microwave… while working

6:30…all of the High School Bible Study girls came - Nattie and Holly, and even Roxy - Holly’s Jack Russell Terrier were there… alot of hustle and bustle… I’m still working…

6:45… I am writing out my “to-do” list for tomorrow…

7:15… I am doing my “to-do” list for tomorrow… still thinking about how I need to maintain boundaries and go home

7:16… I call Roxy over to me…

7:16… Roxy pees on my lap…

7:16… I drive home

8:19… I’m home - laundry done, showered.

Divine Intervention

Thanks Roxy Roo!!

Not dead… but wounded… June 6, 2008

I have not committed online suicide, I am still writing, but bear with me I am wounded….

Since California I am coming to realize how very wounded I am. These wounds sometimes direct my thoughts and my actions.

 

God is so good and so gracious to heal these wounds, and bring them to my attention just one at a time. Just like an accident victim looking down to see her own blood, God is gracious to not allow me to go into shock.

 

Growing up without Jesus in the home, a mom who is the child of an alcoholic, an alcoholic father, a promiscuous sister, and being overweight since my earliest memories of kindergarten - I have had some wounds.

 

With all family wounds aside (that’s another blog for another day - a blog about the ongoing process of healing and restoration), I have been picked on verbally, deliberately socially excluded in ways that I would know it was happening, intentionally called the wrong name, beat up on the bus and the playground - I could continue, but I refuse.

 

Some of my wounds are self-inflicted. I gossip, slander, overeat, oversleep, doubt myself, doubt my God, withhold love from those who have harmed me, I keep an account of wrongs, I am insecure, I am a hypocrite. I could go on - but I refuse. 

 

Each action, like a blade in the flesh of not my body, but the body of Christ. Wounded.

 

This blog is not about the wounds that have affected me in every area of my life - financially, relationally, spiritually, mentally, emotionally, sexually, and physically.

As Chris Tress would say “Stop Bellygazing” (looking down at our own faults) and look up!

 

This blog is about my Healer, my Hope, my Reconciliation, my great Physician - the Lover of my soul, my Creator, my Father, my Comfort, my ONLY Hope.

 

Yesterday we were having a time of prayer at Urban Youth Impact (how thankful I am to serve with those who seek the Lord) and Nattie’s husband, John, my coworker and friend, led us in worship - I could sing this song all day - and be somewhat accurate if I could find it on ITunes…

Balm of Gilead

You’re the rock of the ages
You’re the balm of Gilead
Make us strong and courageous
Heal the wounds that we’ve had
(Repeat)

We need Your Spirit
We need freedom
We need Your Spirit
We need freedom
We need You

You’re the counselor from heaven
You’re my bright and morning star
You bring comfort and protection
Shine Your light in my heart
(Repeat)

I need Your Spirit
I need freedom
I need Your Spirit
I need freedom
I need You

 

Last night I heard something great - this guy said, “Stop listening to yourself, and start talking to yourself”

Here is me talking to myself, and God talking to me through His perfect Word.

 

Isaiah 42:3 (read the whole chapter for some refreshing! As always, it’s even more powerful in context)

  A bruised reed he will not break,
       and a smoldering wick he will not snuff out.
       In faithfulness he will bring forth justice;

Joel 2

Isaiah 61:1-3 (speaking of Jesus)

 1 The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me,
       because the LORD has anointed me
       to preach good news to the poor.
       He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
       to proclaim freedom for the captives
       and release from darkness for the prisoners,

 2 to proclaim the year of the LORD’s favor
       and the day of vengeance of our God,
       to comfort all who mourn,

 3 and provide for those who grieve in Zion-
       to bestow on them a crown of beauty
       instead of ashes,
       the oil of gladness
       instead of mourning,
       and a garment of praise
       instead of a spirit of despair.
       They will be called oaks of righteousness,
       a planting of the LORD
       for the display of his splendor.

 

Philippians 1:6

being confident (not doubting, not wavering, not fearful - confident) of this, that he (not me) who began (the author and finisher of my faith)  a good work (Romans 8:28, Jeremiah 29:11 ) in you will (not maybe, not thinking about it, not “ehh if I get around to it”) carry it on to completion (all done, followed through, perfected, “IT IS FINISHED”) until the day (it’s a process) of Christ Jesus.

 

He is doing the good work….  if I was in surgery, would I be talking to, or aggressively questioning the surgeon? Would I be waking up? I need to heed the advice in Psalm 46..

Psalm 46:10

10 “Be still (it’s a choice, just be, still… not squirmy just.. be… still…), and know (not  think, not doubt, know) that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.”

Slowing down to let the Healer heal,

Julie

Online suicide… May 28, 2008

Every so often I go through these phases where I just want to kill my MySpace, now facebook.

 

I was talking to my friend Jessica yesterday about her recent online semi-suicide, and it reminded me of a blog written ironically by someone I don’t even know in real life.. read it here

 

MySpace, Friendster, facebook, now twitter, What benefit do these sites offer? I find myself again caught up in the insecurities of middle school. People passive aggressively or flirtatiously moving another up and down on their top eight, based on a whim or an argument. (fyi, mine is, and has been in alphabetical order for almost 3 years now, same people, same spots) and the fact that I explained that - and have had to when asked in the past, is exactly what this blog is about.

 

Do these sites really encourage the community that we find ourselves longing for?
Unfortunately, I don’t think so. I think that they encourage laziness in nurturing relationships and frankly - they drive me crazy…

Sure, it “connects” us, about as much as window shopping “connects” me with that outfit at City Place. Walking by without making the commitment.

 

I have found myself wasting more time than I would care to admit, basically stalking people. Ok, stalking might sound creepy, and mightbe an exaggeration. But if you are reading this then most likely I have read your profile, and the conversations through comments you have had. I have thought about who commented what on what picture, and decided that they were flirting with you, and that you were buying their cheap flirtations when they comment on your site. I have judged profile pictures, and who tags who on what. I have found out about budding relationships, bitter break-ups, pregnancies, birthdays, you name it, I have read about it on a MySpace profile or blog, and then never having the conversations about it that community requires and my heart desires. 

I will spare you the details of the night that I found the profile of an old “friend” (”friend ” meaning totally dysfunctional nonrelationship that consumed my late teen-aged years and formed how I react to men, and helped solidify my fear of rejection) from almost ten years ago, and my reaction over reaction, to who he was dating.

 I have let myself get sick in my head over it…

 

Every part of me wants to be connected to a community. But then when I step back and realize that it is all smoke and mirrors. I realize it just sucks…

 

What would happen if I committed online suicide? What relationships would fail because when I stopping carrying them I would realize that it’s a one-sided relationship? Who would make an effort to find me? And how long would they take? I think I already know the answers…

 

A part of me would like to believe that I can “redeem” all of these issues, and make it about encouraging people and writing more, being more intentional, all the flowery and poetic bologna I could sell you… but to be honest, I haven’t and I won’t… it will start off that way, and shortly I will find myself link hopping, or seeking approval through affirmation in your comments… getting nothing done.

 

A larger part of me knows that I just need to pick up the phone, turn of the computer, and go outside to play… 

 

Getting a grip,

Julie

What’s wrong with this picture? May 20, 2008

Don’t worry  “doomsday Julie” is not coming out to play - but this makes me wonder how long can/will withhold His wrath from this insanity?

These are all real headlines from DrudgeReport - right NOW !

GOOGLE WANTS YOUR MEDICAL RECORDS

MR. BUMP: Pictures of pregnant man doing gardening!

UK scientists get green light for half animal, half human embryos…

Boy, 12, faces drunken driving charge after crash…

Funeral Home For Pets Has Viewing Areas, Services…

Toll reaches more than 71,000 dead… ‘Disaster fatigue’ leads to drop in giving…

God lacks gender in new prayer book…

Julie’s random roller coaster… california edition…. May 18, 2008

This week I have been in LA for an Urban Youth Workers Institute conference 

Right now I am supposed to be writing in my new free Living the Legacy  journal about my time here and putting together a practical plan to “Living the Legacy” , but I am blogging instead because if I think about anything important at this point, I just might cry again today…

Just know that my brain is fried and I have had no time to process or reflect the real stuff  intentionally, I have been going from breakfast to small workshop to big main session to small workshop to lunch to small workshop to big main session to small workshop to dinner to small workshop to big main session  to worship to “bed” for the past several days, I hardly know what day it is, I haven’t had my phone with me all week, I have been sick from being sick last week plus interesting food adventures, jet lag never set in… it’s well past midnight west coast time, and I leave in 4 hours and my brain is spinning, and I don’t feel like sleeping…..

buckle up, and enjoy the ride on Julie’s random roller coaster… California edition..

Why did I need to stop in North Carolina to get to California?

I think the “glamour” of LA is all media hype. Wrong judgement I’ve been told, it was based on just visiting the airport …

California is beautiful…. mountains, and soft grass, and purple flowered trees, and roses everywhere.. I am growing to appreciate the smell of Gardenia, and Jasmine…

I love In-and-Out Burger, so much so that we had it almost everyday here, it’s inexpensive and the toasted bun won me over…. but there is a reason I know it is called In-and-Out Burger, and it has nothing to do with quick customer service…. They have bible verses on their wrappers, and I am ok with that because they don’t sell clothing that I think is slightly skanky and put a bible verse on the bag, and I have a critical heart sometimes…

I took my silver ring off of my left hand ring finger and put it on my right hand because I didn’t want Mr. “you could be my husband because you love Jesus and love kids and you are here so you must be someone who might be my husband” guy wouldn’t think that I am married… and then I refused to go to speed dating…

I almost really got a tattoo tonight… 

I am becoming that girl who carries her Nalgene bottle around with her so I always have water (thanks to Sharon for always remembering what seat it was under)…

This lip balm I got was certified 58% Organic… I don’t even know what that means…

I like being barefooted so much that I am getting ok with my feet being dirty even though I scrub them, and I am almost ok with me thinking that other people maybe thinking that I am dirty because my feet are “dirty”… I’m not, even if they “are”

I over packed books because I didn’t consider that I wouldn’t have time to read…

I under packed clothes because I didn’t consider that I spill stuff on myself every time I eat…

All leadership books are 90% the same just refonted and repackaged… when the people who keep buying them start implementing them - then what?

I went from “losing” the free books we accumulated, to having extra?

I will eat almost anything if it is free, even a few dry nonoatmeal raisin cookies.

I think that it is wonderful when guys hold doors open for women, really hold them open not a kinda just keep it from hitting you as I storm through, and I told some random young guy that today that I appreciated real gentlemen, he smiled and kinda chuckled.

I think I talk to every person I make good eye contact with, or feel like talking to for whatever whim moves me at that moment. I love making contact with people, and making them smile, or laugh.

I ate Mexican soup with pig skin in it, and by ate, I mean a spoonful, and will never again, and by never I mean unless that’s what God’s plan is, and I hope not, at least the soggy, slimy, chewy pig skin and intestine part.

A speaker guy dropped the F-bomb in one of the sessions, and it wasn’t vulgar,or slang, or just because, and I am ok with it, even though I know God is refining my speech, and it was “impure”…

I want to be free from my ethic dilemmas in my head -  thinking I am bad for my thinking it is ok for a “Christian Speaker Guy” to drop an F bomb, but I have a problem that there were burned CDs in the prayer room, of signed copy-written Christian music, with a label on it “Leave in here, if you want your own copy of this CD email blah@blahblah.com”…

I have alot of “issues” about non-essentials, for what I think are good reasons - but I don’t want to die fighting the wrong battles, on the wrong hills.

I want to start journaling, for real - this time.

I don’t know what happens in my head from filling in the blank on sermon notes, to the notes in the margin, it would be neat to see a map of how my brain fire-wires these connections that are profound to me.

I need to re-write, and reprocess, and reread notes so soon after things like this, because I know that if I had written down what I knew to be true from God to me through conferences or sermons in the past, I wouldn’t have to revisit the same thing over and over.

I am sick of the carousel, as beautiful as the horses are, I am sick of the circle, and want take a ride on paths of those before me and trail blaze a new one for others to follow.

Ok this is getting to not fluffy for tonight…

Awww Heck….here’s what happens - part 2… May 13, 2008

Well, it happens often, the “awww heck” moment… Here is another glimpse into how my noodle twirls…

It’s after 11 … I am sick… I am leaving for a trip in the morning… I should be sleeping…

Here’s why I am not sleeping…

1) I have been sick the last few days - which means I have been taking medicine… *sigh* I know every time I get sick that I don’t really want to take meds that will make me fall asleep because on day 3 when I don’t want to take the meds again… I won’t be able to fall asleep…. This might have a bit to do with the fact that I never follow the directions on medicine because my logic says that if I weigh more than the average person, I should take that % more meds for it to be effective… and I like when NyQuil or whatever the nighttime med is, knocks me out and I don’t wake up in the middle of the night and be all sick… so tonight - I am sick, and wide awake knowing that if I take my meds tonight - I will be waking up every 20 minutes freaking out that I am missing my plane…

2) I am “packing”…. and here’s what that means… I am going to California, for the weekend, for a conference where I will most likely wear my “Urban Youth Impact” Staff shirt 2 of the 3 days I will be there… I have been “packing” for 4 hours… I pack, do some laundry, then a card fell behind my dresser in my closet, but after taking everything out of my closet and then deciding that I needed to vacuum the closet, then my room, and then the hallway…. the card was not behind the dresser, it was beside it… but now everything is out of my closet and on my bed.. so I am purging… a few shirts here, a pair of shoes there… refolded my sweaters to put them away for the year… rehang the previously mentioned card, and read and re-tape all the other memories in my closet… now things that had been collecting in my closet, are on my bed - I am on the clean edge typing….

Awww heck….

Dream BIG… May 9, 2008

We have a “D.R.E.A.M.pledge” acronym at Urban Youth Impact we say with the kids when they are at the Dream Center… everyday…

It starts with “Dream Big”…  we want every student to know that God has a plan and purpose for their life, and that they should dare to Dream Big, beyond the shadows of sin that are cast on their lives from others bad choices…

About two weeks ago I started feeling like a hypocrite, actually in February after a staff retreat the feeling started but with a  crazy emotional funk I was in, I didn’t realize it.

So we tell the kids to Dream Big everyday…. and I have been dreading them asking me what my dream is, because it is a big one, and I haven’t been faithful.

In one week I celebrated the ministry anniversaries of both of my “bosses” -10 years for  Lewis Nelms, founder of Gospelink, and 20 years for Bill Hobbs, founder of Urban Youth Impact .

For a week I was surrounded by celebration of God’s faithfulness and provision as these men walked in faith and obedience to the call on their lives. Stories of lives changed beyond what we can see.  I was overwhelmed and inspired. Encouraged. Spurred on, and reminded of my dream that I have put on the back burner.

I have been so afraid to tell people about my dream, and I am so sick of myself for making decisions or holding myself back because I am convinced of what other peple will think. Which in my mind is never good - terrible actually.

I didn’t want people to think that  I don’t love being “Miss Julie”.. because I do. I love seeing when one of the girls actually “gets it”, I love the hugs and laughter, drying the tears,  I even love when the kids hate me because I know they know better, and hold them to a higher standard.

I love it. But it’s not my dream.

So I decided to tell Bill about it.   I was so nervous talking to the man whose ministry I am planning on coming on full time missionary staff with. I was so afraid, I think I even just blurted it out - inhale, speak, and there it was. And Bill’s eyes lit up…  He didn’t think that I was saying I wanted to leave Urban Youth Impact, He didn’t think I was crazy, He didn’t think that I was a bad Christian for what my dream is. He embraced me, literally and figuratively.

I am starting to really believe that my dream can and will be a reality. It’s not about success as much as it is about faithfulness….

I know that I will regret it for the rest of my life for wasting what I feel God has given me…

So here I am - dreaming big, and making dreams my reality.

RUN !! May 6, 2008

24Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize.

 25Everyone who competes in the games goes into strict training. They do it to get a crown that will not last; but we do it to get a crown that will last forever.

 26Therefore I do not run like a man running aimlessly; I do not fight like a man beating the air.

27No, I beat my body and make it my slave so that after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified for the prize.

During small group time at Bow Down this week several weeks ago we disected and discussed I Corinthians 9:24-27…. It was the splash of water in the face that I desperately needed!

My thoughts colored…

24Do you not know (I wonder if this was sarcastic? or a repremand, another translation says “Remember” Julie, you know this - this is a reminder, again) that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize(the goal, the purpose)? Run in such a way as to get the prize. (what is the purpose, to win, to get the prize - not to just go through the motions, not to just attend, to get the prize)

 25Everyone (not just some, everyone) who competes (in it to win, not on the sidelines, not slacking) in the games goes into strict (strict) training (intentional time devoted to the purpose of the race, and being prepared, being ready, intentional time side aside to focus, Have I trained well? Will I get hurt because of my lack of training?). They do it to get a crown that will not last (this world has nothing for me, or for them); but we (we, people with Christ’s purpose, not they, not focused on fading things, we, us) do it to get a crown that will last forever (temporal vs. eternal perspective eternal is way more valuable - am I focusing on training for here, and now, or eternity). 26Therefore I (I wonder if Paul is comparing himself to those he is writing to, it switches from “we” to ”I” - leading me to believe that to those he is writing are doing the opposite of the following list? ) do not run like a man running aimlessly (why am I running, where am I running, what is my purpose, if I  am running, is it aimless? Am I exerting the full effort into aimless running in the wrong direction, going through the motions?  People looking on, do they know my purpose, my goal, or do they just wonder what the heck I am doing? What is her purpose, what’s the point, she is all worked up, and getting tired running in the wrong direction!!) ; I do not fight like a man beating the air(Same as above, trained, full effort going into futile works). 27No(NO!), I beat (not spoil, not pamper, not give into every whim) my body and make it my slave (Yikes! Full submission, ownership of my thoughts and actions) so that after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified (is this like ”depart from me I never knew you” disqualified?) for the prize.

I have been digesting these verses for the last several weeks… I can’t get my mind off of them. Praise God!

I have not been living up to what I know that God wants be to be faithful to, I have as one woman said we can be “Focused on relieving temporal earthy pressures - and not living up to Christ’s purpose”. Yep! That describes it! 

How many of the decisions I make, or don’t make, are based on relieving these earthly pressures? I am working 2 part time jobs, plus other odd jobs or hours when they come up, running around all of creation from job to job, just to have just enough to just get by - yet I have not even typed out an action plan for my own vision. Aimless.

Yes, God has been faithful to provide - but how long will He sustain me, when I know that I am not in the center of His will?  Isn’t delayed obedience disobedience?

My mind is racing, I hope that these thoughts will continue to not only run through my mind - but make their way down to focused and purposeful feet.

Bleeding Tongue April 10, 2008

I am completely done with a post, and here I am writing another one about why I am not hitting “publish” on the last one.

 

I have things I want to write about  - I have things I want to get off my chest. I have rants that want to be ranted. I want open conversation. I want others to get involved and tell me that I am right, and I want others to tell me that I am wrong …I want to hash it out.

 

I wish I didn’t get riled up, and more so I wish I didn’t love it.

 

Why don’t I then just unload? Isn’t this my little area to do what I want with?

Can’t I be as bold or ugly or beautiful or cynical or as encouraging or as whatever as I want?

Am I afraid of rejection? Am I insecure? Do I realize that sometimes what I get riled up about doesn’t make a dang bit of difference?

Did I take a vow to only blog about sunshine and roses?

As I write I am reminded of scripture:

 

When words are many, sin is not absent, but he who holds his tongue is wise. (Proverbs 10:19)

 

Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things. (Phil 4:8)

 

Even a fool who keeps silent is considered wise; when he closes his lips, he is deemed intelligent. (Proverbs 17:28)

 

Still Biting my bleeding tongue,

Julie

 

[ht for the thoughts and bleeding tongue: Abraham Piper]

[ht for the definition of what "ht" means: http://christianmind.blogspot.com/2005/05/what-i-learned-from-ht.html ]

Not so Rock.. April 8, 2008

I tried playing “Rock Band” for the first time yesterday….

and it I was terrible..

You IS a princess ! March 28, 2008

Mary is about four, and last month she made me a memory I pray I never forget.

 

I only get to see Mary about once a month. One Monday night each month my role as After School Program Tutor expands to babysitter for the parenting classes that Urban Youth Impact offers to the mothers in the community. Instead of working on homework with the kids, or being in a disipline role, this Monday night each month is a chance for me to let my hair down, literally, and have fun with the kids.

 

Mary and her two sisters were playing with my hair, fighting over who gets how many rubber bands, pulling, tugging, and twisting my hair into an updo that has never, or will ever be seen again. My hair at this point is knotted and knarly, and I am trying to figure out a way to divide my head so that each girl has her own section to work on. I was not successful.

 

I am trying to control chaos in our little corner of the room, so I give Mary a rubber band and as she is standing right in front of me creating what must have been a masterpiece of my bangs. I whisper to her “Mary, I feel like a princess.”

 

Mary takes one step back away from me, and with an emphatic tone, and a sort of confused expresion on her face, and toothless smile, tells me “Ohh, but Miss Julie, you IS a princess”.

julie UNSCRIPTED March 20, 2008

Well, Welcome to julieUNSCRIPTED - My “big-girl” blog.

I feel like I have just graduated from the world of inconsistent MySpace blogging to making a commitment to a real blog.

The first challenge I faced was what to call lil’ blog.

How could I communicate by a title who I am clearly, without offending, and without having to disclaim and explain myself, and do all of that in an itty bitty little title? It’s exhausting being me. I know.

julieUNSCRIPTED did not come easy, or without deep consideration, and annoyance.

Here’s a just few that didn’t make the cut.

Verbal Diarrhea.blogspot wordpress.com  - think about it, that’s funny, and happens it me often but that’s really gross for a blog name, - and who really knows how to spell diarrhea without looking it up on Google?

The Plight of the White Woman.blogspot wordpress.com - ok ok, I know I don’t have any actual “plights” in comparison to actual “plights”, but you who know me - know that I have hilarious plights, and I am indeed a White Woman. Not the most politically correct.

JesusJulie.blogspot wordpress.com  - I wish you could hear me laughing as I am trying to even type the explanation of this…Let’s just say it’s a long running joke with my dad as to what would be said if I was a co-host on the Howard Stern show. As my dad said, it would be my identifier of being the “token Christian” opinion on the show “Jesus Julie” - and it would also be the exclamation that would be said often. “Jesus - Julie!”

JulieStein.blogspot wordpress.com - boring… it’s my name, I know, but it’s boring…

Most of my life is unscripted, there are honestly moments in my day where I look at people and say “You can’t write this”. It’s unscripted. Ready for you to read.